Smelly Is The New Perfume

I don’t know why I read women’s magazines because they nearly always make me cross.  But today I rewarded myself with a lie in and decided to have a browse through one my daughter had just finished with and another of the more intellectual ones (OK I’m lying, it’s Bella) that I occasionally will buy for myself if I have a long wait at the bus station.

As I flicked through tutting at the glamorous, airbrushed images of shampoo bottles it suddenly occurred to me that I needed my notepad; handily placed beside my bed anyway.  Why?  Because now I knew what I was going to blog about this month.  Me.   Reading those magazines; tutting; reaching for my notepad and then eventually typing all of it into this blog.  So, there you are.  Thanks for reading, this was lovely!

Of course I’m going to tell you a little bit more…

It started when I saw a full page advertisement for Transform which had a picture of a woman doing her very best to look shy and demure in a skimpy white bikini, (as you do.  OK, how should I know) with the headline:

“I’ve had my breasts done, but everyone notices my smile.”

I immediately tweeted about it, telling my followers that surely this was a case for compensation?  But then I decided that what they are actually doing is cleverly selling us two products for the price of one.  The subliminal message here is, “if you’re going to get your tits done, for God’s sake make sure you have our Hollywood Smile treatment first.”

I have to add that said unnamed magazine was also running a central ‘women’s confidence boosting’ theme throughout, with lots of articles telling us all we should love ourselves warts and all.  And now there I went and reminded myself about that awful wart on my…

Bum to them all, that’s my motto.  Because women are not as stupid as all of these magazines seem to want us to be.  We’re not buying their “let’s all talk about the sisterhood and by the way, what do you think of this gorgeous, skimpy two piece on our beautiful coathanger, Katie?”  Women are getting angry.  They are aren’t they?  Or am I menopausal and the family are too scared to tell me for fear of me chasing them with a fork?  Again.

They are sneaky too; drawing you into a safe and lovely flower adorned article about gardening when, before you know it, you start to notice references to the grass stains you might get on the knees of your trousers and Bang!  You realise you’re reading an advert for a soap powder that couldn’t give a toss about your rhododendrons.

What if they did this on TV?

“’Ere Phil, tell us where your boy is; we know it was ‘im what killed ‘eather.”

“No idea mate.  But have you tried these Ginster’s Pasties?  They’re nutritious AND delicious!”

Another article about perfume caught my eye.  Apparently, Kate Moss’s favourite is called Glue, Slug and Dirt.  This makes me happy, because at least the Horse Cemetery business is doing something to double their money during the recession.

But we are also being ripped off.  There is a perfume that sells for £79 a bottle which is called “Not A Perfume.”  It reportedly uses a special ingredient that means it doesn’t smell of anything; the scent only reveals itself when it is sprayed onto your skin!  Doesn’t this smack of The Emperor’s New Clothes to you?

“Hey Jean, smell my wrists.  It’s my new, expensive perfume.”

“Hmm, it’s nice.  Kind of a bit like Dove soap and garlic.”

And don’t get me started on the new ‘anti-perfume,’ Odeur 71.  For £74 you can smell like ‘the dust on a hot light bulb and photocopier toner.’  You know, like the whiff you get when you’re drunk and decide to photocopy your own arse.

I can understand why I can’t get magazine article writing work when I read these things, because I don’t think the companies that quite clearly pay for all this exposure would like someone who can’t write about a perfume that smells of ‘sweat, semen and saliva’ (oh yes, there is one) without taking the pee.  But then, they’d probably want that too for their next line.

Who’s buying this stuff?  Rich people!  So that’s OK then.  At least the Glasgow jakeys can walk around smug in the knowledge that they now smell as good as Victoria Beckham.

So, I have been ranting today.  But don’t let that deter you from showing your appreciation with the odd social share between your thousands of friends.  This has been my hidden, subliminal marketing message…  just so you know.  😉


LISA DERRICK is running the London Marathon for Tenovus – the cancer charity I spoke of in my last post.  Please sponsor Lisa here or you can give via a  simple text – using the code LDLM80 followed by the amount you want to give to 70070.

Why not give your £80 to her, instead of paying to smell of wet dog? 🙂


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