Things Every Woman in Her Forties Should Swear At

I am braced for a mixed set of reactions to The New Mrs D to be fair. She’s a little unique. In her forties, attracting chaos, being a bit rude from time to time; tackling stuff we never talk about. Full of acerbic wit. What do you mean, she sounds like me?

There are countless articles telling women specifically how to behave in their forties and beyond. Look out for them; they can be heavily disguised with cunning titles like, ‘Things Every Women in her Forties Should Do’. Like a baby’s developmental chart they tell you what age-appropriate stuff you should be getting into, although I always end up saying, ‘pah’ and arguing with them a lot to be honest. Dear ‘ladies in your forties’, it really is best that you:

1)      Get in touch with your cycle.
          There’s no way I’m ever speaking to that thing again.

2)      Do a little light lifting every day.
          Large brandy? Don’t mind if I do.

3)      Learn how to say ‘no’.
          ‘No, no, no, no, and no.’  #nailedit

4)      Followed ‘this’ diet and ‘that’ exercise regime to look hot in your bikini.
me in a bikini

 #nailedit …Pass me the cake.

5)     Live every day like it’s your last.

Write ‘feck off I’m dying’ letters to creditors… check.

And don’t get me started on the ‘how to find love later in life’ ones. Do they really believe all women over forty think about is how to attract offers from fellas? I’ve matured; I’ve got more pressing issues these days. I’m only trying to attract offers of wine.

I do read this stuff, but really, I just want them to stop telling me what to do, how to feel, how to behave and how I should look in my forties.

I’ve raised four teenagers so far. I do have moments of sweariness from time to time, just like my protagonist. Teenagers, I want to teach you two, brand new words. They are, ‘TOWEL’ and ‘RAIL’. 

So, excuse me while I enter my forties writing a book about funny, feisty, teeny-bit sweary women in their forties, fifties, sixties and seventies – even in the face of being advised to make my lead character younger so as ‘not to risk losing a large part of the reader market’. Eh? I think plenty of us women over forty do read, although I would hope The New Mrs D will be read by women and men of pretty much any age.

And so, without further ado, can I just seamlessly lead in with an invite for you to join me for an online book launch party? I just need you to bring yourself and a photo of that bad perm you had in your teens. Sound okay?

It’s this Friday, 4th July and you can find out more about it, and the bad perm reference, HERE

PS I just found my spiritual home online! Please be sure to look up a new and lovely community of over 40 bloggers on Twitter. – I’m finding some amazing, funny new people and blogs there.

19 Replies to “Things Every Woman in Her Forties Should Swear At”

  1. Absolutely spot on, Heather! Wish I’d thought of telling my creditors to feck off! Hope the book does well and thanks for the Over 40s Bloggers link. It will come in handy if I can force myself to write anything!

    1. Clive, you must. Some of the best, most relatable writing amongst the 40’s bloggers. It’s such a great idea which I’d love to see really take off. Thanks for stopping by and taking the trouble to comment. Hope to read YOU soon 🙂 x

  2. I stopped reading magazine articles like that around the age of about 38. I had a couple of hot affairs during my 40s, one divorce, one long term relationship and met my new husband, and all without the aid of dumb articles telling me how. I also drank a lot, smoked, and did the odd bit of speed. I am now 54 and feel just fine. Throw the articles away and do something interesting – oh, sorry, you’ve already come to that conclusion!!!! Good post 🙂

  3. Thank you, Heather. My wife and I have three beautiful and intelligent daughters. I am partial of course. One of my daughters is fast approaching 40 years old. The other two are nearly at the 40 mark, as well. However, they are not the type to do what they “should” do (media’s perspective). I wonder why we don’t see titles such as: “Things Every Man Should Do in His Forties….” Thanks again.

    1. Thank you Dr Criswell, you have made an excellent point there. You NEVER see these kind of articles for men. I shall have to write a whole, new blog on that one 🙂
      Thanks so much for stopping by, it is wonderful to see you here. Your blog is very very informative and was helpful in my book research. Take care X

      1. Thanks, Heather. My wife and I read your book review. She liked what she read, and I am really interested to read the book too. We ordered it. Thanks for your work.

  4. That’s excellent! Thank you 🙂 I hoped that working it into commercial fiction comedy might bring the subject out a bit more for debate; we shall see. Many people just didn’t want to go there with the subject of porn addiction – a small press publisher offered to look at my submission to them again if I removed it & I declined to do so. I think it is very important and prevalent. I’m honored you bought the book, please do come back and let me know what you think of it.

  5. Towel and rail is something the men folk in my house don’t understand too…. Sigh!

    Great post. I’m hitting the big 4-0 in 3 months time but I’m already there with being fed up of being told how I should do this and that. I’ll do what the hell I want, when I want….


  6. Your posts always make me giggle and want to give society the two fingers! If I see another article telling women to get ‘beach ready’ I’ll scream! It used to mean remembering to bring a towel, and why don’t men have to get ‘beach ready’? Anyway, got your launch marked in the diary 🙂

  7. Marvellous. Although I think we can do better than a ‘teeny-bit’ sweary? For example, I’d say that the editors of all those women’s magazines who tell 40+ ladies how to dress are proper cunts? Yeah? Thought so. xxx

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